We Constantly Come Up with new ways to fix ourselves. So we change, we adapt; and we create new versions of ourselves. We just need to be sure that this one is an improvement over the last

Dec 15, 2011

I make my trip to the ghettoness of McKeesport to get an assessment from a therapist about my drinking habits!

100 bucks.

Very nice lady.  it was about 5 pages of drinking questions.
for example

Have you used drugs??
whats your drinking habits like now after the accident??
when was the first time you had a sip of alcohol?
what was your drinking habits before the accident?
How many beers can you have in one sitting?
have you ever played drinking games?
what kind of alcohol do you drink?
have you ever had a hangover?
have you ever went on a binge?
what are the drinking habits of your family?
how many times a month do you drink?
Have you noticed your tolerance go down??

...... wonder if she knew i was lying??

She qualified me as a social drinker! phew! lol

Next step...
Highway safetly class....
Bring it.

The good without the bad aint no good at all

Friday december 9, 2011

I had my CRN evaluation for my DUI; some sort of an alcohol evaluation.  I had to drive all the way to North Hills; 45 minutes away.  The lady asked me about ten questions if that.  She asked me what my mom thought about the DUI??? Who I lived with? What happened during the car accident? What was my blood alcohol?  How much do i drink???
The conversation took about fifteen minutes.  Waste of time if you ask me. I lied and said I dont know for most of the questions and drink way less than I do.  and apparently she had all the information about the car accident and blood alcohol in her little computer.  Then why ask me and why waste my time?

afterwards she tells me I have to go to an alcohol assessment. Are you kidding me? Isnt that what this is?

On my way to the CRN evaluation I get a phone call from UPMC trauma at Presby (the hospital I went to after the car accident).  Apparently my scans from that day show that I have a hetia hernia and Thyroid nodules.  IT IS DECEMBER!!!! Why am I just finding out now?? The lady told me that they have tried to contact me via mail.  The first time was in May and the letter was sent to the address that was in the computer when I came into the hospital.  I told the lady i was nearly unconscious when I came into the hospital and the address I live at now is the address I have had for my WHOLE LIFE. 

So when that letter came back from the crazy address, it took them until October to send it to this address.  WHAT TOOK SO LONG?? I got the little card in the mail saying i needed to go to the UPS and pick up a certified letter but during those months I was in contact with medical assistance at UPMC and got approved for it, so i assumed that's what it had to do with.  I WAS WRONG AGAIN!!! lol  How was I suppose to know??? What took so long for you to call?  My first thought was neglict.  But this past Wednesday, I went to the doctors and he said the hetial hernia is nothing to worry about; a lot of people have them and they don't even know it.  If i hadn't had adnormal problems with acid refux and heart burn, I will be ok and we will just keep a watch on it. 

The thyroid on the otherhand I have to get blood work and see if the thyroid is producing too much or not enough hormones.  FYI i hate blood tests or any type of MEDICAL needles to be stuck into me.  I do not mind going to the tattoo parlor and getting things pierced but hospitals and doctors scare the crap out of me. 

After the blood test I have to go to a thyroid doctor.  I do not have insurance and I make under a certain amount at my job so I can go to the Catholic Charity free healthcare clinic downtown. THANK GOD!!

A true personal victory isn't dependent on anything but our own responses :)

I am on this journey to learn where I fit in this world and to define myself and to love myself.

Nov 27, 2010- back down to the courthouse for my arraignment. i went to the first room, and then had to go to another room, and then go to another room to talk to a public defender. i told the first lady, susan, that i was declined for a public defender months ago. she said, "here on your paperwork it says you have one, so you do." i declined my right to a trial, because thats pointless and in a year everything will be cleared up.

so i am going through all the paperwork with the public defender and actually understanding everything and then i realized my social security number was wrong and then i realized my license says it's expired and it isnt. then i look at the top of the page and then another page and another and i am filling out paperwork for a girl named DANA!!! who is dana??? sooooo back downstairs to Susan.

Did i mention the cute guy that was filling out paperwork during the sametime?? he was really cute.

anyways i go back to Susan. She apologizes for the mix up and she transfer the info onto new papers and tells me i have to go back upstairs.

back upstairs i am told i have to come back to the courthouse on JAN 27. one more hearing and i have to bring 250 dollars. i looked at cute guy's paperwork on the elevator and hes going to be there as well Jan 27th AT SEVEN AM!!! YIKES!!! why so early???

recap

-jan 27- 7am

-one alcohol test and depending on my score will determine how many hours of driving classes ill need to take. She said they usually do the driving classes over a weekend and could be up to twelve hours! WOW!

-I'll lose my license for 60 days about a month after my hearing on Jan 27th

-on probation for a year.

-in total about 1600 bucks!!!

let the games begin

focus on abundance and prosperity;the inner joy, the inner peace first and then all the other things will appear

October 19- arraignment at the Allegheny county Courthouse- 9 am. i get all the way down there and sit in a room full of weirdos/thugs/convicts for 15 min, then get my name called. i sit all the other side of a lady's desk. She is typing away on the computer only to tell me two min later that the District Attorney has not charged me with anything yet, so i have to come back on NOV 29!!!! i am never going to be able to leave this city!!! my first thought was, "maybe i fell through the cracks?"

i dont think i am that lucky. the lady did inform me that they are usually backed up. so we will see Nov 29

You are the designer of your destiny. you are the author; you write the story. the pen is in your hand and the outcome is whatever you choose.

It's been awhile since I wrote. Absolutely nothing has gone on with my DUI situation. Wednesday the 19th I will be going back to the courthouse for another hearing. i wonder what this one will entail? More signing my life away on pieces of paper, that make no sense to me? Guess we will see. It is funny because, i am not even stressed about it. why is it that, i stress out over the little things that mean nothing in my life, but the bigger things do not make me flinch.

one thing that does make me flinch. MEN. BOYS. i get so worked up over them, i look back and think I really am crazy. after dealing with plenty of assholes throughout my twenties, one would think I would slowly back away from a 39 year old, thats single, never been married, has two DUIs, and JUST WANTS TO HAVE FUN!! you would think i would run for the hills? no.. i dive right into liking him and it does; it literally makes me crazy. i should be going nuts over getting a DUI. NOPE. too damn worried about making an emotionally unavailable man like me. I think i need to get my priorities a little straight. lol

Sometimes even the best of us make rash decisions- bad decisions. Decisions we pretty much know we are going to regret the moment after. We put ourselves out there but still something inside us decide to do a crazy thing. a thing we know will probably turn around and bite us in the ass. Yet we do it anyways.

Then there is this guy i met on OKCUPID.com. let me lay this out there now. It's a dating site. We have talked for weeks now through facebook and texts. almost on a daily basis now. somehow the other night we get to talking about what each one of us are looking for. His response was like nails on a chalkboard

"i just got out of a relationship, i do not want to dive back into something."

me-"really!!!!!!???!?!?!?!??!"

"I just wanna meet someone cool I can chill with and see what happens. I know this sounds corny but i would really enjoy watching a movie and cuddling. I just enjoy other people's company. if you are cool with that i'm glad. If not im sorry to hear that."

me "Didn't you just describe, dating and a relationship?"

i feel like dating, relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend, marriage, intimacy is gone.
Intimacy is a four letter word. For here is my heart and soul and please grind them into a hamburger and enjoy.
its both desired and feared with and impossible to live without!!

hail to pitt!!!

if you want crappy things to stop happening to you then stop accepting crap and demand something more.

Sept 1- Continuous hearing.

since i could not get a public defender because i make only 220 dollars more a month to qualify i waived my hearing Sept 1, 2011 and signed a million papers to get ARD. the whole time the police officer was really nice to me AGAIN.

At the end of signing all the papers and listening to the law jargon from the judge I got a pink slip saying I have another hearing on Oct 19th at the courthouse. I will not get anything else in the mail reminding me of this hearing so this is one thing i can not forget.

i have at least one more hearing after this. i just want all of this to be over. to move to the beach to have a fresh start because i really need it. i never stopped believing i can have a new beginning. i just feel like i am always in my own way AND THAT WILL STOP. im ready to let go of old habits and old bad memories

OCT 19 :)

the world is full of unexpected twists and turns and just when you got the lay of the land...

The ground underneath you shifts and knocks you off your feet. if you are lucky you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound. something a band will cover.

at work the other day i was informed that our banquet chef's (doucher numero uno at work) bro got into a serious car accident and hit a telephone pole right down from the hotel (no one knows if alcohol was a factor or not) . Chef couldnt go on his vacation to va beach because he wanted to be there for his brother obviously. his brother was almost on his death bed but is pulling out of it strong but with brain dead.

it gave me chills when i heard this. its crazy how i can walk away from my accident with just the smallest bone in my face broken and some people dont walk away from their accident at all or are threatened with brain damage for the rest of their lives. How does the universe choose or pick when it's someone's time to go or not? how am i better than him?? i am blessed and got another chance to live an extraordinary life and that is what I am going to do with it. God (budha or whomever) wasnt ready for me and i am thankful

yes sometimes even the best of us make rash decisions. decisions we pretty much know we are going to regret the moment after. we put ourselves out there but still something inside us decide to do a crazy thing a thing we know will prob turn around and bite us in the ass (i have gotten bite very hard). yet we do it anyways. -says Meredith on Greys Anatomy.

second day of pitt training camp!!!!!

July 29, 2011- fingerprinting trouble. i go to the Public defender's office to sign up for one and my tax return says i make too much for a public defender. maybe i heard him wrong but to get a public defender you have to make under 10,000!!!! what??? who lives off of that? so he gave me a note to give to the DA to postpone my hearing so i can get proof of income from my unemployment.

then i go and get my fingerprints. no one knew where i should go because they postponed my court date due to my trip to florida but they didnt postpone my fingerprinting. two ladies told me to go to two different WRONG places until i finally talked to a lady that knew where i had to go. of course down the street. the lady that took my convict picture and fingerprints was really nice. first thing out of her mouth, "teena, had too many cocktails may 18?""

"really??" i need the sense of humor though and told her the story i told so many other people. we then start talking about working out (since i took hot yoga that night). she was really nice. made fun of the feather in my hair.

it was a long day. man, do i need a drink???

Aug 4, 2011 i had my first hearing for my DUI. I arrive about 45 min late due to waking up late (not in my own bed), drinking heavily the night before (due to stress and anxiety for the court date and a cute boy sitting right next to me), and traffic. there is so much annoying traffic in this damn town.

after sitting in the traffic court audience waiting for my name to be heard from the DA, a cop calls my name. He asked me if i was ok with doing ARD. yes sir, yes I would!!! After all is said and done we postponed my hearing because the DA and cop said i should get a public defender (and i had my note lol),so i had someone to defend me and when i do move to Florida they can answer my questions.

the funny thing is the DA told me to stop looking so nervous and lighten up. wonder if i still smelled like booze??? crazy last night!!!

the cop that called my name was the cop on the scene. he said my accident gave him chills and hes seen a lot on the night shift of pittsburgh police department. he was happy i am alive.

next hearing sept1!!!!!

the person that invented the phrase Happily Ever After should have his ass kicked really hard

Thurs my first Coach wristlet broke .whhhhhhhattttt???? thank god i have another one. i only had it over a month!!! i have target items that have lasted years!!! i need to call coach's 800 number!!

I went to a Pirate game yesterday for the first time in years and they are in first place but LOST!! of course. there was so many people there i thought i was in a twilight zone

Mistakes are painful but they are the only way to find out who you really are

so, to help with my hailstorm of self loathing and misery i made the treck to Florida on June 30. it wasnt too bad. i got away from all the drama i have here and just had a good ole time. while on vacation i read a something that went like this

"some go to the beach for solace and for answers to internal questions. you are overwhelmed and need to ground my barefeet in the wet sand. the beach remains tranquil no matter what is going on and its a welcoming constant companion."

i could not agree more. the ocean waves, sunny skies and men without shirts on were the things i need. coming back into reality, the calmness of the beach made me realize i just may need it in my everyday life. a calmer more laid back lifestyle. sometimes what we want is exactly what we need.

tt

Ever since the beach i have felt very relaxed, i have confronted my boss and discussed my issues about my job and i am coming to terms with this DUI situation. mistakes are painful but they are the only way to find out who we really are. and i think since May 19 (the accident) i am finding out who i am and who i want to become.

I am a 100% who went to Penn State for four years but lovesssssssss the PITT PANTHERS football and basketball. i live, drink, and breath them about eight months out of the year. the panthers are a huge portion of what binds me to this city. People dont get me, definitely when i tell them I'm a Penn State graduate, Pitt fan :) I work hard in the food and beverage industry and determined to succeed within the industry one day soon. most people agree that i am a hidden blonde. but as they say people with the book smarts dont have the street smarts. talking about streets, i am not a very good driver!! lol got my license later in life {23) and have been almost self destructed my car and myself. lol thankfully i have never hurt anyone else and only have broken the smallest bone in my face afterthis last accident. i graduated from Le Cordon Bleu Culinary Institute with an Associates in Specialized business with a concentration in Hospitality and Restaurant Management. and lets get one thing straight. i hate to cook. lol that is right. i need to start liking it i think, i have almost 30000 dollars owed to Sallie Mae, i owe it to myself to like it a little. i date men that are emotionally unavailable, for one reason or another, but thats another blog i suppose in and of itself.

so not that you have an overview of me, back to the story. i had another follow up appointment for the swelling in my face. i went to another office and another doctor in Oakland. i had a good vibe from this office. one i didnt have to pay to park. two the office

sidney crosby???

i have gone to the concussion specialist and i indeed have a concussion. i got about a C on the tests they give you to determine. The doc said it could take up to 6 months to heal!!! wow!!!! he gave me a note to only work about six hours a day. he asked me how many hours i wanted, which i loved. like i can control my own destination. but of course after i left, i thought i can work more than six hours, so i called back and he increased the hours to eight per day. i have to go back in a month and see how much i improve. maybe next time ill meet my mcsteamy :)

that sameday i called to get my court dates pushed back since they were going to be in the week i was going to be gone. the previous night i faxed over my flight schedule and the lady pushed it back until aug 4. she was very nice about it. here i come florida tomorrow!!!

Then i get an email from my insurance, it went up 100 bucks!! YIKES!!! i called and asked why, the lady told me because of my new car. its not like i bought a huge SUV. So i talked to different car guys and sure enough one of the guys that work at Cochran has a son that works for nationwide. i called him, he messed with the policy almost all night and came out with a policy a hundred dollars cheaper! nationwide is on my side :) Todd the nationwide guy is now my new bff, we talked for awhile on the phone about random things as well. i think i have a crush on the nationwide guy!!! lol it sure is good to know people

Choices...

our lives are based on the choices we make. the choices I have made have left me to a dui.

half price wine at shady grove. yikkkkes. not a good idea after going to an extremely intense hot hour and a half hell experence at yoga flow across the street. choices... apparently dehydration wasnt a consideration that night.

choices...drinking heavily (or at all at that matter) has been a bad choice of mine. in my mind i told myself after the last two bad car accidents resulting including alcohol that the third time i wouldnt be so lucky. i called that one???

choices... i have also heavily agree on my two jobs have stressed me out and are partly to blame for this accident. i drink more when im stressed. after over a month since the accident i have decided its time to change this two jobs for the better.

since the last time we spoke, i have purchase a chevy cobalt; gray, power starter!!!! 2008... i kinda like it. its like a new start to work with a hundred dollar increase in insurance. im a liability. poor hyuandi, ill miss u.

tomorrow i need to call and hopefully change my court dates. if not i will not be going to the beach. i chose once again to wait until the last min. one thing i need to change in my new life :) wish me luck.

i have gone to the plastic surgeon and trama unit to be allowed to go back to work... everything has healed up nicely with the bone i broke. the doc told me the bone i broke is more near the nose than the eye socket. it is the smallest bone in the face and i dont really need it. if anything it may bother my sinuses. sure enough the next day here comes the sinus infection. the pain was worst than i ever had before and i was borderline about to go to the hospital. but i waited it out and it went away. now i just have a lingering cough. the nurse told me that if i had a fever i should go to the hospital since it could have been a sign of an infection. but there was no need. i was released to go back to the doubletree on the sixth. havent been back yet and i am ok with that.

wednesday i am going to the concussion specialist. that freaks me out but i have noticed that things occasionally slip my mind. i guess no harm in getting checked out. it is all going under my insurance.

as i said in my last post i am trying to do things i have never done before... i used white strips for the first time, tried on nike shoxs (but didnt purchase), and my mom went to her first concert EVER at consol energy center to see sade!!! and i think my biggest accomplishment was going into work at consol energy center twice in the last week with a positive attitude (i hate the job) and had two of the best nights working there...

thats it for now.. and the beat goes on.....

first day of the rest of my life

It has been 19 days since my car accident. Unbelievable?? time flies when u are having fun?? i guess that doesnt really apply to this curcumstance. Since our last meeting i have gotten about eight letters from attorny offices, which i have ripped up. i talked to the douchebag at work (who has a couple) DUIs and was told that my fine will be 1500 dollars, ill go to AA classes (which appaarently after blowing a .29 the teacher is going to have fun with me), and loss my license for 30 days. not bad??? my anxiety has gone down considerably since I spoke to him.

my birthday was on june 2 too. i did a whole bunch of nothing and loved every second of it. my phone buzzed all day with facebook messages wishing me a happy birthday. what a great way to feel so popular!!! :) on my birthday i decided to do something different/new almost everyday of my life. so far i went to a new restaurant, bought the best cake ever for my birthday (which i never do), shedded about 5 lbs, and bought some great black heels PEEP TOE!! if i wake up everyday with the mentality that everyday is the first day of the rest of my life, its going to be a great life since i got a second chance. :)

next stop the plastic surgeon tomorrow!!! ehhhhhh

change....

as of may 19th my life needs to change drastically. as Aaron Lewis from staind says, "if you dwell on how terrible your life has been, it will remain forever terrible."

i received my death sentence/court hearing papers in the mail from my car accident. i can sum up the ten page packet by saying this girl likes to drink ;(. but looking at the situation on the brightside, this isnt a death sentence but an eye awaking experience, a change, a rebirth of myself. after apparently thousands of dollars later, AA meetings, and court dates this could be a learning experience for me and make me a stronger (sober?) person. i am ready for that challenge!!

i am trying to keep mr. lewis's lyrics in my head during this time. i have lots to think about and frankly i get sick sometimes thinking about everything.

~ how in the worlddddd am i alive????? (after seeing my car, its a shocking revolution that i havent grasped just yet)

~my insurance is going to go sky rocketing!!!!!!!!!!!!

~how am i going to get to work when my license is going to get revoked for months???

~money/money/money

~ lawyers which equals money money money

~how in the world am i alive????

~down payment for a new car???

~ i sure as hell am skipping this town when this is all said and done ;)

i did see my car a few days ago when i had to clean my car out. i now believe that there is some high power. if u saw this car parked in the middle of a junkyard u would think it went up in flames. You wouldnt think that i got out of the car with just a fractured eye socket bone, black eye and swollen face. i am the result of a miracle???????? i think its time to get those angel wings on my back that i always wants.

i think with all these things that i have to decide and multiple hours working, i will hopefully get the ultimate douchebag out of my mind. my theme for the rest of my life is you only live once. i got a second chance at life and i can not and will not sit around and booohooo over the first man i fell in love with, that now has blocked my number and will never speak to me. it is his lost. if i focus on changing my life for the better and not putting up with the bs of many douchebags, i will attract my prince charming aka johnny depp. :)

Convict?

Two degrees and plenty of hours in the hospitality industry, I am faced with the DUI sentence... How did i get here???

1) hot yoga- have u ever done that??? let me fill you in, an hour and half of sitting ( meditating, uncompromising positions, and head stands?) in a ninety degree room while you burn hundred of calories. you want to talk about dehydration?? phew...

2) i thought it was a great idea to go drink wine afterwards.... i somehow thought wine replaced water and well you know the end...

one flipped car over, a black and blue eye, and lots of phone calls to be made i sit here on the couch thinking "i feel like i have hit rock bottom, i guess there is nowhere but up?"