You are the designer of your destiny. you are the author; you write the story. the pen is in your hand and the outcome is whatever you choose.

It's been awhile since I wrote. Absolutely nothing has gone on with my DUI situation. Wednesday the 19th I will be going back to the courthouse for another hearing. i wonder what this one will entail? More signing my life away on pieces of paper, that make no sense to me? Guess we will see. It is funny because, i am not even stressed about it. why is it that, i stress out over the little things that mean nothing in my life, but the bigger things do not make me flinch.

one thing that does make me flinch. MEN. BOYS. i get so worked up over them, i look back and think I really am crazy. after dealing with plenty of assholes throughout my twenties, one would think I would slowly back away from a 39 year old, thats single, never been married, has two DUIs, and JUST WANTS TO HAVE FUN!! you would think i would run for the hills? no.. i dive right into liking him and it does; it literally makes me crazy. i should be going nuts over getting a DUI. NOPE. too damn worried about making an emotionally unavailable man like me. I think i need to get my priorities a little straight. lol

Sometimes even the best of us make rash decisions- bad decisions. Decisions we pretty much know we are going to regret the moment after. We put ourselves out there but still something inside us decide to do a crazy thing. a thing we know will probably turn around and bite us in the ass. Yet we do it anyways.

Then there is this guy i met on OKCUPID.com. let me lay this out there now. It's a dating site. We have talked for weeks now through facebook and texts. almost on a daily basis now. somehow the other night we get to talking about what each one of us are looking for. His response was like nails on a chalkboard

"i just got out of a relationship, i do not want to dive back into something."

me-"really!!!!!!???!?!?!?!??!"

"I just wanna meet someone cool I can chill with and see what happens. I know this sounds corny but i would really enjoy watching a movie and cuddling. I just enjoy other people's company. if you are cool with that i'm glad. If not im sorry to hear that."

me "Didn't you just describe, dating and a relationship?"

i feel like dating, relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend, marriage, intimacy is gone.
Intimacy is a four letter word. For here is my heart and soul and please grind them into a hamburger and enjoy.
its both desired and feared with and impossible to live without!!

hail to pitt!!!