Eleanor Roosevelt said the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Sorry I have been MIA.  soooo my suspension was suppose to start march 29.  Long story short i do not know how to follow directions and my two months turned into 4 months. eeeeeekkkk.  but it is over.  wait.  i am going to call penndot tomorrow and make sure that it is over ( as of July 22).  So now the only thing that i have left is to pay this hefty fine off.  phew ::wipe of brow::

Many people spend years even a lifetime fixating on a single slight or a broken promise.  They may ruminate over disasters they cannot prevent or control.  After years of thinking like this, a person becomes spiritually depleted.  Their bodies may rebel under the emotional stress and become more susceptible to chronic ailments such as a heart disease and cancer.  Years of negative thinking can make it challenging to integrate present living into your daily life.

As i battle through my 60 days of a suspended license, i came across the perfect quote for my love life

You can blame guys up to a point.  Eventually u have to decide to stop repeating ur past mistakes.  Take the responsibility to look out for ur own well-being.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me- you can’t fool me again

Your own unique brand of faith will carry you through the ho hum of everyday life and comfort you when u are challenged mentally, emotionally, and physically.

March 29, 2012...
License revoke for 60 days... stressed out

My goal is to always be moving forward.  It doesnt mean you know the destination.. you may get stalled, sidetracked, or totally stuck.  thats life.  You pick yourself up and keep going.  and one day you understand why all that heartbreak happened.  Coming from a place of yes, doesnt always mean you are in a good mood.  it means realizing every experience makes you stronger. 
~~~Glamour

We are not suppose to be in situations where we are banging our heads up against the wall. If we are constantly struggling maybe the universe is trying to tell us something. Relax and let life unfold!!

Yesterday March 14, 2012 was my last DUI therapy class.  Boring yet again.  Unbelievable that it was 250 bucks.  Yesterday we had to answer these questions

What is your goal concerning alcohol?
What changes have u made to keep up with the goal?
If u begin to experience neg consequences what actions will u be willing to take?
triggers concerning alky?
stressors??
How do u positively deal with the stressors?

We need to keep challenging ourselves to stay focused and positive.

Dont worry about how your life is supposed to be. Just make it how u want it to be

I love Amy, my Mom's former therapist.  She has great style and insight in a lot of things in my life.

Last week she said that the boys that I have been "dating" is a froth that is covering and protecting my wisdom {my guy, my heart}.  I subconsciously wont progress with these boys.  The wisdom is keeping me safe. 

You will prob never fully understand men. Just try to understand yourself.

Life is a lot like surfing...

when u get caught in the impact zone u have to get right back up.. because u never know whats over the next wave.  and if u have faith anything is possible.
~Soul Surfer

What a hectic week again.

Sunday I got a crack in my windshield.  It was small until Mon while driving down the parkway, it spread twice its size.

Tues I slammed my hand in the door of my car on the way to an interview.  I have yet to hear back from that employer.  As I write this my thumb has a shooting pain everytime i touch the space key. 

Wed was my group therapy for my DUI.  Boring as usual but the thing I got away from it, is to start things in my life that will replace drinking.  This life is really short and alcohol has no great positive  impact positive on our live.  Sooner or later when I drift further and further away from going out on Friday and Sat nights, ill soon realize that what i was doing wasnt so much fun, but rather a waste of time, money, and bad hangovers.

I feel we fear change the most in life, yet sometimes its just what we need to make us better people..

When life hands u a setback which it will when u least expect it don’t ask why instead ask what next

last week was interesting..

Sun I went to my second AA meeting.  Completely boring.  I thought the two guys in front of me were cute until they started spitting out their chewing tabacco.  ahhh gross. 

one more meeting to go...

Real power comes from knowing who we are and our place in this world.  We must remember everything is alright and everything is unfolding exactly as they are suppose to.

I went to the hospital Mon because I had another anxiety attack over a stupid guy.  My blood pressure and heart rate was a little high so "douchebag" called 911 in the Eatn Park parking lot.  Left the hospital with a doctor bill my "friend" said he was going to pay (which he isn't- douchebag), and three prescriptions. 

If u expect nothing from somebody u are never disappointed

Tues I found out my biopsy was benigned! yes.  The only thing I have to do is get a biopsy every five years to make sure the nodule isn't growing.

Dance like there is no one watching, live like there is no tomorrow, and love as if ur life depended on it.

Wed I went to my first therapy session with Amy.  Vivian {my mom} waved about her for months, so I tried to give it a shot. 
Homework for this week... write about every relationship (big or small)... great.  She believes that everyone of us has patterns.  Which I totally believe too... I can guess what mine is. 

Wed was also my therapy group for my DUI.  That was pretty boring I well.  She asked us who we said sorry for throughout our drinking... 150 more bucks I have left to pay for that. 

View with positivity and more happiness will come  your way.  It’s the attitude and perspective that changes everything. 

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.

February 22, 2012

Second DUI therapy class.  It was quit boring this time around.  I paid 100 dollars, so 150 dollars left. 
The thing i got away from the group this week is to be centered.  Be in the present.  Learn from the past to make a better future

"You must train yourself to have faith and live for today. Otherwise you may find yourself paralyzed with the obsession over yesterday and tomorrow.  Present living does not mean u ignore life lessons or stop planning for the future however it does allow u to stop treating life like one giant emergency."

Earlier in the day I got my biopsy and ultrasound for my thyroid.  OUCH>>>  I didnt get to see the ultrasound cause the machine was behind me.  I unfortunately saw the needle for the numbing medication.  I literally felt the needle in my thyoid.  Weirdest feeling ever.   He took about five minutes for it to set in and then he put another needle in {which kind of looked like the ultrasound cord}.  i also felt that needle in my thyroid too and lots of pressure.  Once again, worst feeling ever.  In about seven business days I will be getting the results.  Longest week EVER!! six more days to go. 

"Be the best version of yourself right now. Instead of focusing on the person you have been or the person u could be, relish the wonderful characteristics you already have. Life is far too short to waste ur energy focusing on anything besides the present."

It was a busy day yesterday.  I also got a leave of absence from my dead beat job.  The doctor filled out the papers that the Doubletree provided and said that I am having frequent panic attacks and need to control them before returning to work.  He also wrote that he is uncertain as to when I should return to work.  Great! I think. 

"The belief that your life is not a random and that each experience is a learning opportunity is quite freeing.  When we are confronted with a challenge, this belief frees us from the troubling “what if?” ir “why me?” cycle.  Instead of obsessing about past mistakes or future scenarios, we can focus on the present and trust that the current challenge serves a larger purpose."

You are never given more than u can handle. U are strong enough to overcome any obstacle and thrive in all situations

Feb 16, 2012

I went to the doctors to have my biopsy and ultrasound of my thyroid.  All prepared to have a needle get stuck in my thoat to have the doctor com in to tell me that i have to go to his office all the way out in Washington Pa because he couldnt bring the ultrasound to Catholic Charities (a free health clinic downtown).

So the suspense continues...

You cant control others actions but u can control how u react to the situations.

Instead of getting upset and angry, I said ok ill see you next week.  At least if I am out there I can either A. go to the outlets and (or) B. Go to IKEA!!! :)

Those who feel most confident who know how to recover their center when they slip or fall, are those who always remind themselves that life is a process.

Not only will I be less likely to make another less than good decision but u will have grown as a person in confidence and in strength

Feb 15, 2012
My first therapy group session for my DUI.  I have to go for six weeks every Wednesday for two hours.  And it costs 250 bucks.  The first one was only an hour.  There was about ten of us sitting in a circle.  She asked us questions like "what did you get out of the highway safety class?" and "What behaviorial tactics did you have that lead you to this DUI.
I said, bullet broof.  I have drank and drove so many times and I thought I was invisible. 
Bad time in my life.  Bad boy problems, horrible job, friends having boy troubles.  What better way to be down in the dumps than to drink.  Isnt that a conundrum?
social life.  Nowadays a huge part of social lives is meeting up at the bar.  Def for single, living at home with my mom type of gals. 

The group was quick and painful.  She actually left us with homework.  We have to ask three people what they thought of our drinking habits.  Homework really??????

Life is nothing more than a series of lessons.  Life is a learning experience, and we are all students. 

I’m in my body, in my heart, happy with my life and ok with whatever bumps in the road present themselves

As stated yesterday I had a breakdown a week and a half ago at work.

I read this in a Glamour Magazine the other day
Alicia Keys says, "I call a nervous breakdown a nervous breakthrough.  because every time I ever had one, it was a breakthough."
She had a time where her friends were not right anymore.  She was tired and had overworked herself and burnt herself out.  So she went to Egypt by herself.  When she saw what was built there it made her understand how powerful we are, that we can create anything.

some thoughts to live by.

The most successful daters have the ability to stop outside themselves and see their situation objectively as though they are watching themselves on tv

This date forward I am living and breathing by this.
Two Saturday's I did not follow this.

I was dating/seeing/talking to a dude from work.  Completely and utterly below any standards I have.  He was giving me some kind of attention I ran with it instead of just being friends with him.  He doesnt have a phone (we communicated through facebook messenger), no car (he got a DUI years ago and hasn't paid off his fine}, lives at home, is bipolar {on no meds}, insomnic {sleeps all day}, smokes pot, bad teeth.  ok, ok HES A DEAD BEAT.  End of story. 

Long story short he didnt want to talk to me one day and work some stuff out.  Teena Jones ended up flipping out. 

What can I learn from this experience?

Don't date people you work with and by no means DO NOT SETTLE!!! EVER!!!!!

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope.

Have a passion for something that you are willing to do anything. It’s a tough road and if you do not have the heart and desire then you will be tempted to give up along the way. The only difference between one person and the next is how bad you want it.

This sums up Joe Paterno's life.  And a life everyone should live by.  God Bless Joe Pa.  He passed away due to lung cancer. 

Dec 21, 1926- Jan 22, 2012
You will never be forgotten

Great people don’t have something that everyone else doesn’t; they have simply removed a lot of the things that stand in the way of their best selves.

So Jan 27, 2012
My last journey to the courthouse downtown.  I get there at 630 in the morning.  I drive because there is no rush hour that freaking early.

I pay my 250 dollars and sit outside of a room.  Go into the courtroom and sit like sardines for over an hour waiting for the judge.  The judge finally makes his way into the room at 930!!! 930!!! I do not leave the courtroom until ten minutes to ten!! standing before the judge was approx 15 seconds long.  It was the most exhausting experience of my life and I didnt even do anything.  Talk about the run around.  I get a piece of paper with my POs name on it and leave.  We do not have to check in with the PO at all.  It is an unsupervised probation.  Hopefully in 6 months I can have this 1400 dollar fine paid off and I can get off of probation and get on with my life! 1400 dollars! yuck o well u live and u learn???

Real power comes from knowing who we are and our place in this world.  We must remember everything is alright and everything is unfolding exactly as they are suppose to.

Jan 27 2012  was also another significant day because it was the day that the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS tickets were going on sale at TEN O CLOCK.  I would have been outside of Consol Energy center but since I was at the courthouse for so long I couldnt.  I ran to Consol right after my hearing since ticketmaster was being slow.  I arrived at Consol at 1015 and the whole floor section was cleared out.  There wasnt even anyone in line anymore.  But thankfully I got the side section right next to the stage.  This is a dream come true and I am super pumped!!!

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

The world is a little more gentle on us than we are on ourselves sometimes.

Jan 12, 2012
I finally got my blood test for my thyroid!!! I went by myself and laughed through it. 
FYI- I was scard.  I have postponed it for a month.  Last time i got a blood test i screamed and cried for a good half hour and then it was nothing.
This time i talked to the lady and it was over in like a minute.  The only part that hurt a little was her taking the needle out!!

I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF :)

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Jan 18, 2011 I went to the first (out of three) AA meeting .  I was going to go to the camel club here in Penn Hills but by the time i found it (it was behind a shopping plaza) i was late.  So I went to the library and headed to one in Wilkinsburg. 

I didnt know what to expect but it was very nice.  It was at a church, lasted an hour.  Everyone was so nice when i walked in, almost everyone introduced themselves.  I went to an open speaker one so I didnt have to speak.  They did ask if there were any first timers but since I am not an alcoholic i didnt stand up. 
I sat there and listened to a guy talk about his battle with alcoholism.  Its amazing how alcohol can take over someone's life.  This guy had a drink every night from the age of 17 to 30.  wow! kept his marriage and kids but it was close at times. 

They opened the meeting with the serenity prayer and some rules.  they ended the meeting with the lord's prayer.  Surprisingly i liked it a lot.

This dude from work told me that I didnt have to really go to the meetings.  Since they are ANONYMOUS.  Anyone could sign my paper and they wouldnt know.  interesting! but honestly I found the meetings very interesting and excited to go to another one.  and plus its only an hour!!

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

You simply cant drive forward if u are focused on what's happening in the rearview mirror!

This is a lot harder when it's cold,rainy, and windy outside and the only thing i want to do is lay in bed!! lol

The energy that u put out into the world is the energy that u are going to receive back.

This is a lot easier when theres sunshine on my day off in Jan :)

Sometimes the worst thing that happens to you, the thing u think u cant survive it’s the thing that makes u better than u use to be

Last week (Jan 7 and 8) I had my 12 hour alcohol driving safety class.  I was dreading it.  But it was really interesting.  It was 6 hours on sat and 6 hours on Sun.  Sat we left early because the elevators in the building were not working properly and it was a fire hazard.  So, we left right after lunch and it didnt count against us, since it was no one's fault.  Sat was suppose to be from 9-4.  we got out about one.  Sun we got out at three.  A lot of people were happy because Sun was the Steeler's first (and last) playoff game. 

The class was 19 people from middle age to people my age and girls younger.  Some people didnt say anything throughout the class (including me-class participation wasnt a factor) and others talked the whole time (some saying some really stupid things and asking questions that the instructor already went over)

I believe everyone should take this class, not just after you got in trouble.  Very informative

Here are some things that i have learned and that will def stick
~I have been taught in my hospitality classes that a drink an hour is ok.  but actually it is a drink in an hour and a half.  We still leave .005 in our bodies in an hour.  So, we just add that on to the next drink.
~16,000 DUIs in Allegheny County.  That is the reason why this whole process is taking so long
~ 3 out of 4 cars after midnight are triple the legal limit
~ Mixed drinks mixed with Diet "whatever" is worst because it will read higher on the breathalyzer.  Something to do with the sweeteners they use in diet sodas mixed with the sugar in the alcohol.
~Blackout- overdosing your frontal lobe.  Loss of oxygen to your brain and kills brain cells and we do not regenerate them! wow!
~When alcohol is present in your system, all the other products that need to metabolized must wait until the liver elimates all of the alcohol first.  Your liver will then metabolize all waiting products. Causing my shits the next day.  Your liver is working 4xs harder with each drinking episode.
~Ideal mind is the devil's playground
~and average alcohol ad is geared towards a 13 year old boy.

How can u apply the lessons of your past to today?

Yes I am still on the market but I consider myself as a prime piece of real estate my value is only going up

^^^^^This saying comes to mind as i lay in bed not  being able to sleep.  Most people get up and get a glass of water (chips or cookies), turn on the tv, read a book, or maybe play words with friends.  But i tend to do something that has also become the norm for some girls (and guys).  They google their ex. 

Its true.  Do not stalk if you are not ready to see some bad news. 

i received bad news. 
 a year a 23 year old girl has moved in with him (he hardly let me stay in his apt alone. Hes 38)
she just graduated from college
she works for a website he started up
tiny black girl (i cant even say he wasnt into black girls)
Shes from Florida (when did this happen??)

I need to get over him and not the way girls say they are over someone as they slam down another seabreeze!!!

So I need to stop googling him.  Nothing good has come out of it and nothing good will.  One has to move on.  People say I deserve better/ theres other guys out there. 
But when you have walked in my shoes I become pessimistic and say "the last single girl standing!"


IF HE DOESNT LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVE HIM THAN HE DOESNT DESERVE ME

Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around. We are always fighting a battle to improve ourselves at something and right now this moment is another opportunity to turn it all around

Anger towards someone who has wronged u can trigger a cascade of stress hormones that can haunt u through the night. To prevent that effect, think about how u were hurt, ur response, and how u feel right now.  Then think about whether or not theres anything in the background of the person who hurt u that  explains what he or she did. There is is, put urself in their shoes and see if u cant forgive them. If u can, you’ll sleep  like a baby. 

another great new years resolution.

My friend Brittany does Theta healing and wants me to write down everyone in my past that has harmed me.  Then she will release all that stress from my body..

interesting.

To be mature is to accept imperfections

CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT IN ALL OF MATTER.  PEOPLE THAT TRY NOT TO CHANGE AREUNATURAL.  HOW WE EXPERIENCE CHANGE IS UP TO US. IT CAN FEEL LIKE DEATH OR A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE. IF WE OPEN OUR FINGER LOSEN OUR GRIPS AND GO WITH IT; IT CAN FEEL LIKE PURE ADRENALINE. LIKE AT ANY MOMENT WE CAN HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE.  LIKE AT ANY MOMENT WE CAN BE BORN ALL OVER AGAIN; LIKE THE WAY WE CLING TO WHAT THINGS WERE INSTEAD OF LETTING THEM BE WHAT THEY ARE.  THE WAY WE CLING TO OLD MEMORIES INSTEAD OF FORMING NEW ONES.  THE WAY WE INSIST ON BELIEVING DESPITE EVERY SCIENCE INDEDICATION THAT ANYTHING IN THIS LIFE IS PERMANENT

CHANGE IS CONSTANT
~MERIDETH GREYS ANATOMY...

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!

PERFECT QUOTE FOR THE START OF THE NEW YEAR AND MONTHS AFTER MY ACCIDENT